Someday I'll Find It--The Rainbow Connection

For the Meat Lovers (AKA the Mildly Interested):
--Opening night, for some reason, didn't feel like opening night. It felt a little more like another rehersal..actually it felt more like I was watching Annie or Lost In Yonkers again. Like I didn't really know anyone in the cast or anything about the show. I just felt very far removed, but deliberately (if not consciously) so. I enjoyed watching it though. It was funny. And the people around me seemed to enjoy it too. Although I was more absorbed in the fact that I enjoyed it and was feeling distant--rather lemon in the pancreasey.

--Other Highlights of the Day: watched the Ethan Hawke Hamlet, cleaned, slept, took a shower.....sad, I know. =]

--Got kool stuff from Carl!! YAY to kool Chinese unicorns (I hope they bring good things) and an MP3 player! Prepare to be amused when I begin to espouse the extent of my technological ineptitude as I embark on this journey of self discover, enlightenment, and music on a little computer.. thingy.

--Start training Monday! YAY! to having a life, and making money (ssssooooo broke...and Fringe was this week..oh the sadness of having no money to see lots of theatre) I'm really excited! =]

--Denny's after the show: Unreal. So funny! I could not have written a more bizzare chain of events. I'm glad Lorri was there, cause after a while I was starting to feel like I was in the Twilight Zone, and she seemed to be the only one getting the same vibe. One of the funniest, weirdest, most mind altering chain of events in my life. I can't even tell you...between Amber being drunk (from one glass of Champagne from Tim's mom's Birthday party), the waitress talking about how you can say anything to a cop when you're a waitress (but not anytime else), and Pain--by our powers combined, there exists one unrecreatable experience! Oh the laughter!

For the Omnivores (AKA the Limitedly Concerned):
--I feel kind of like I tripped and fell into my well of self lately, and like I just can't reach far enough to touch anyone on the other side. Like I haven't been feeling anything, like everything's sitting right on the surface..like bugs in the pool in the summer. I see everyone laughing and having fun, and I could be a part of that, but I just sit back and watch. I'm not sure whether or not I enjoy that more, or less--much less. I think it must be something I need right now, either way.

--Along that line, I've been feeling kind of like the nerdy kid who got invited to sit at the kool kid's table at lunch lately. They let me sit there and eat my bologna sandwich while they all pull out pizza Lunchables with Capri Suns and Doritos. They like me, they kind of accept me (by default mostly), but I'm still the nerdy kid who would probably be better off reading the text book in a corner. I'm just not good enough to sit there, but they let me stay all the same. I'm not quite sure what to take away from that. I don't want to be the nerdy kid. I don't want to be the kool kid. I want to be the untouchable one that other people seek out just to be in their presence--to listen to their silence. I want to be that reveared. But more then that, I want to be worthy of it. And I'm just not. So I stand in the corner with the Ant Farm and hope that no one notices...and hope that they invite me to play. I really have a hard time understanding why people talk to me at all..no, wait--I remember now--I listen, I try, I remember now--I'm a good person, I try to be--I try to be something great--I try to be something more then myself--I try to be better--I try to be more--I try to believe--I try to grow--I believe. I grow. I change. I create. I live.

--There was this book I wanted for a long time. It was one of those Someday Purchases. I call them Someday Purchases because they are things that are slightly out of reach now, and thier potenital (and hopeful) purchase is inherently tied to the accomplishment of some larger goal, or the fulfilment of some greater dream. It was the Complete Works of William Shakespeare--oh you know the one. The red leather one with the gold leafing on the cover, and the gold rimmed pages with the gold tassle place marker? Yeah, that one. The one you spent hours looking at at Borders (sooo many cups of hot chocolate). The one you always pull off the shelf everytime you go in there, just to hold it, just to see it up close, just to remind yourself of why you need to keep on dreaming big dreams, and loving small things. The one you stopped seeking out years ago because it started to remind you of things you didn't want to remember anymore because they hurt too much (beauty, simplicty, grace, hope, light, inspiration, joy, happiness..), and getting teary eyed over a book is kind of silly and not exactly the easiest thing to explain. Someday was yesterday. The Dumple got it for me. Not knowing how much it ment, unaware of its worth. Fascinating.

For the Herbivores (AKA Only The Very Interested):
--I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth.

--Rarely has there been an emotional burden that I was unwilling to carry for someone else--why couldn't I carry this one? No, not why couldn't I--why wouldn't I? Am I so far gone? Have I so far removed my self from other people that the successes and failures of another person are beyond my capacity to understand? Beyond my willingness to help? Do I have so little else going on in my life that I can allow this personal grief to bear such an emphasis? ahh..Dane the Hamlet, I is it. I am sorry for my short comings. I am sorry I could not be there. I am sorry that my weakness contributed negativity to an already unhappy situation. I am sorry I did not do more. I cannot ask for pardon or forgiveness because I have not yet fixed the problem. I am sorry all the same. I am sorry.

--I miss you. I couldn't reach you. My arms were jello in my sleeves. I tried, not enough. I miss you. I feel so far away. Like I slip farther all the time. I miss you. I saw you today--only hours ago. I still miss you. I want your silence. I want your words. I want you. I miss you. I miss you...yes, still.

--Would it have been worth it after all, after the cups, the marmalade, the tea, Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, would it have been worth while to have bitten off the matter with a smile to have squeezed the universe into a ball, to roll it toward some overwhelming question, to say: "I am Lazarus, come back from the dead, come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all--" If one, settling a pillow by her head, should say: "that is not what I ment at all. That is not it, at all."

--I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid.

--No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was ment to be; Am an attendent lord, one that will do to swell a progress, start a scene or two, advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, deferential, glad to be of use, politic, cautious, and meticulous; full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; at times, indeed, almost ridiculous--almost, at times, the Fool.

--Typical.

--I love you. I miss you. Still.

--Doubt that the sun doth fire, doubt that the stars do move...I miss you. All the same--if it's the same to you, I'll just hang.

--I shouldn't be here--that wasn't my writing.
I shouldn't be here.
Would you forgive me, love, if I danced in your shower?
Would you forgive me, love, if I layed in your bed?
Would you forgive me, love, if I cried all afternoon?

Beautiful Moment of the Day:
Brit was worried about stage blood getting on the box and thus, later, getting on the costumes. I said I would take care of it. She said okay.