That Guy (is me), No Sleep, and Rudyard

Wow, it just dawned on me that I haven't really spoken to the Dumple all day. I mean a little this morning when I was frantically searching for applications but..maybe it's just that it feels like three days have past since then. It's funny when you don't speak to someone you enjoy talking to--regardless of the circumstance. You never want to be the one to pick up the phone, or walk across the bar, or the one to pull up the chair first, but when the moment has past, when the opportunity is gone, you are the one who is left alone, staring silently up at the ceiling wondering "why is it I didn't make the first move? what was the reason I had for letting that opportunity pass me by?" And then you remember--you didn't want to be that guy. Always that guy! Really, you were afraid. Afraid of what though? Afraid of the rejection? Or afraid of the acceptance? Which would be worse? Sometimes I think I'm more afraid that I will succeed then that I will fail. You never fail really--you always accomplish something, even if it's only learning a lesson. It's still an accomplishment, and it's setting you up for the next time, when you will really need it. You didn't need it this time--this time you needed to learn the lesson so that when the real opportunity comes you can take advantage of it. It's all building to that one moment. That single moment in time when it all matters. That moment is now.

I think that's part of my beef with the Last Five Years (listening to it again the other day put me in a minor Last Five Years funk again..I'm still trying to figure it out, that's why it keeps coming up). It's not the elements of the story (the cheating, etc) or the emotional familiarity of most of it (the beginning, middle, and end of any given relationship). It's the idea of crushed dreams. It's the idea of wanting something, of believing in something, of reaching for something and working towards it and pouring all of yourself into it because you believe in it and watching it crumble. The being wrong about the only thing you ever truly believed in--that's tragic! Such a fear of mine--to create something like that in your head and to wake up one morning and realize that reality contradicts every aspect of it. Maybe it's not that you're wrong though, maybe it's just that you have the opportunity for something better. Maybe it's none of that--maybe things just are what they are, and that's it. I don't know, I think the transition to living back home is just a little weird for me, so was hanging out with Hector today, so is doing theatre again, so is picking a profession and setting up a career and a life, so is picking a job that will dictate the nature of the next four months of my life--cause I have issues deciding what I want to eat for breakfast or if I want to eat breakfast at all. Actually, I think I'm just tired on many levels, and I didn't see my boyfriend today. So a few words on the subject by Kipling:

..If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build them up with worn out tools...
..If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it all in one turn of pitch and toss, and loose and begin again at your beginnings and never breath a word about your loss...
...Then yours is the earth and all that is in it. Which is more, you will be a man my son.